binge and shame spiral.

today i ate one packet of super noodles, three packets of hula hoops, two tangerines, several yoghurty things, a shitload of butterkist popcorn, some weird chocolate bar, crabsticks, and drank a lot of cherry coke and lemon tea. this was in about an hour. it actually hurt. oh and i had a large quarter pounder meal with a cheeseburger earlier in the day. i don't know what happened, but i just ended up in bed with a mountain of food. i'm sure most of it is still whole, i don't bother with chewing when i get like this. literally, i have got to be done eating for the week. it's disgraceful. and i used to have the common sense and some semblance of control to get up and complete the damn circle, but no, i lay there in bed watching youtube and cramming more food into my mouth. i have a feeling it's going to be one of those weeks where i eat until it hurts, and then i'll eat more. whether i manage to control myself is a completely different story. i wish my mother wasn't home so i could fix myself. i want to move out so i can be alone with my everything. i just need some solitude. desperately. and you'd think i get enough alone time, but i never feel alone when i'm at home because i'm constantly reminded of people. i need to find a soundproof box and sleep in it. this is really, really bad. i'm going to go and take a shower and try not to feel disgusting.