Friday, November 27, 2009

why hello there breakdown

why do i keep doing this to myself? more like, why can't i just ignore my mother? why do i let her get to me constantly? i'm never good enough for this bullshit. i'm not thin enough. i don't work hard enough. i'm not obedient enough. i'm never enough of anything. i'm just her fucking fat daughter with the two B's at GCSE which she had to have remarked because they were that shameful. i just wear too much fucking eyeliner and not enough clothing. nothing i do or say is ever enough or what she wants to hear. why am i trying? i can't live up to my brother, nor her freakish expectations of me, or her fucking friends' kids who gets straight A's and don't have body piercings and tattoos. i can't do this shit anymore. i thought she got over making me feel like shit when i finally managed to get down to a more socially acceptable 110 pounds. i thought she might actually feel like being a decent person. apparently gaining weight is disgusting and i shouldn't eat so much fucking food and this is all bullshit because she eats more crap than i do and she has high blood pressure for fuck's sake. but nooo, i'm the one who's not supposed to eat a fucking chocolate bar because i'm already a fat shit. you master the art of silent crying in this house because crying out loud apparently means you want a fucking pity party. and then she tells me i'm seeking attention and that i'm pathetic. shit i just want to lie down and cut and die right now because she makes me feel so worthless. and i need a cigarette or perhaps just a drink because instead of going to sleep and waking up for college in the morning all i'm doing is sitting here, crying, and wishing that i could be good enough, just for once.

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