almost caught smoking. fun times.

but i just smashed that shit into a tin and put the fan on just in time. jeeez.
going to spend most of today reading foryoursatisfashion and parkandcube, obviously.
parkandcube's shoe bazaar is love. except the pair of boots i want and could actually afford is a 7, and i'm a 4-5.
i've been looking for boots for ages; i need to own at least a pair that i can wear; pumps and brogues are fine for now but it's going to get so cold..
lizares' sheer men's shirts are so beautiful - i'm too short and round to wear one, but hey. craving a rodarte jumper; would make one in it's style but i can't knit for shit. will probably find a poor imitation in a charity shop somewhere and wear it to death.

i'm watching 500 days of summer, eating runts, and comtemplating whether or not the wonderful dream i had last night means anything at all. i'm not sure i want it to, but then i do. it was one of the most beautiful dreams i've had in three years. and i want to explain and i want to say everything i'd like to but i know not to. because i don't want to break everything. because everything is fine as it is. and everything is just fine, and i know i'll fuck it up with my feelings. i'm trying not to think about him. but i always end up thinking about him and it all falls apart. but hey. it's cool. i'll get over him if i don't do anything, because everything always goes away if nothing happens. i'll just try to hold everything back and put it in a box somewhere and seal the box and put it in a dark corner.

instead of finding some kind of happiness with him, i'll continue to have completely empty sex that lacks anything but pure mechanics with some other guy. who, i of course wish was him. but anyway. i should remind myself to stop being such a girl about these things. i should attempt to have a more casual approach; and i do, but sometimes you meet some-one and awaaaay go your principles and your self-inflicted rules about what to do and what to say and you just end up miserable in a huddle of your own guilt and self-loathing.