in bed watching CSI and drinking enough water to fill a tub.

i'm trying to detox. which, admittedly, is somewhat counteracted by the smoking. but i'm trying to cut down on fizz and drink my recommended two litres. i've been peeing like crazy. maaaaan i'm real tired. my wrists are itchyyyy, as is the rest of my arms. and also some of my leg. perhaps more allergies are surfacing. whatever. i can't find my clinique moisturizer. this is stressing me out hugely for something so miniscule.

i feel like my brain's not working. i had a cleaning fit earlier and i can now see parts of my room/bed/floor/desk that i haven't seen in a good month or so. i just forget to put laundry away and that shit piles up. but anyway. i just feel so disconnected with everything at the moment. when i'm alone i just seem to melt into myself until i'm just sitting there staring at nothing. i pull myself together once a week when i have to see people, but the loneliness isn't even painful anymore. it's just a part of me. bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody fuck.

why hello there breakdown

why do i keep doing this to myself? more like, why can't i just ignore my mother? why do i let her get to me constantly? i'm never good enough for this bullshit. i'm not thin enough. i don't work hard enough. i'm not obedient enough. i'm never enough of anything. i'm just her fucking fat daughter with the two B's at GCSE which she had to have remarked because they were that shameful. i just wear too much fucking eyeliner and not enough clothing. nothing i do or say is ever enough or what she wants to hear. why am i trying? i can't live up to my brother, nor her freakish expectations of me, or her fucking friends' kids who gets straight A's and don't have body piercings and tattoos. i can't do this shit anymore. i thought she got over making me feel like shit when i finally managed to get down to a more socially acceptable 110 pounds. i thought she might actually feel like being a decent person. apparently gaining weight is disgusting and i shouldn't eat so much fucking food and this is all bullshit because she eats more crap than i do and she has high blood pressure for fuck's sake. but nooo, i'm the one who's not supposed to eat a fucking chocolate bar because i'm already a fat shit. you master the art of silent crying in this house because crying out loud apparently means you want a fucking pity party. and then she tells me i'm seeking attention and that i'm pathetic. shit i just want to lie down and cut and die right now because she makes me feel so worthless. and i need a cigarette or perhaps just a drink because instead of going to sleep and waking up for college in the morning all i'm doing is sitting here, crying, and wishing that i could be good enough, just for once.

always with the pretending.

i feel like being honest but then i can't bring myself to do it. i escaped that delightful label in high school and i really don't want it back. it's really hard to keep this up. and i feel like telling everyone and anyone but then i don't and it all goes terribly wrong.

regardless. i have two essays for friday that won't get done til tomorrow night. i can't wait to fail at life.




herro manicure

watching supersize versus superskinny

just saw a lot of naked arseeee
how delightful.

tornnnnnnnn. also i'm really tired. as usual. jeez i must sound like a right boring twat, but i honestly don't have energy for anything besides college and sleep. i love sex and the city because right now i'm watching samantha orgasm while my mother's in the room.

teeheehee.

just spent about three hours watching comedy central

and as usual, not doing any work.
blech.
sian and i planned that she's going to film kevin and i shagging on a bus and make it into a porn. and i concurred that kevin, katherine and i make a banana split. me being the banana, kevin the chocolate sauce and katherine the vanilla ice cream.

we have vivid imaginations i suppose.
i'm watching sex and the city and drying my hair.
it's 11:46 and i really need to be asleep but i can't sleep at all.

i have to find some-one new to screw.

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i got my job back :]

i went to golden palace yesterday with my mum and had dinner, then lily came over and asked me if i wanted my job back so i was all :D:D
went to see new moon today with sian, katherine, james and daniel; it was nice. i like doing normal things like going to the cinema and watching a film and doing something age-appropriate and legal. then lily called and asked if i could work tomorrow, and i'm not one to turn down work, so now i'm doing all the homework i was going to do tomorrow. it's okay though. tomorrow i'll be twenty-five pounds richer which bodes well for me. i'm only working saturdays because i have so much more work these days. which i still can't quite comprehend. downsizing to four subjects somehow = more work. but whatever.

i have this horrendous cough lately. i coughed so hard i nearly threw up earlier which would have been totally disgusting, humiliating and just ugh. my left foot got soaked because there's a hole in the bottom of my left shoe. james gave me a piggyback over the massive puddle that formed outside. i'm really tired but i don't want to sleep yet. i'm trying to do bestchoice but i'm struggling to find any kind of interest in the bonding of carbon and hydrogen. i don't even know why i took chemistry.

and my back is killllllllling me today. yay for muscle ache. my xanga is so inactive lately. probably because i started this blog, actually. but then again none of the weird shit goes on here; that's what xanga is for, amirite. i feel like my head is being crushed between valuev's thighs.



yes, the big one. although either would be painful. i think i'm going to re-read the curious incident of the dog in the night-time, then go to bed. green jello might help the throat though..

& i follow too many blogs and someday hope that some-one will hold me.

down for no reason at all.

i don't want to do anything except lie here. i'm tired. i collapsed against the fridge earlier because i got really dizzy. ate half a bowl of vegetables. made green jello. will eat green jello tomorrow when it's said. don't want a relapse. reaaaaallly don't want a relapse. because it will fuck with me severely. because it always does. and i am trying really really hard but sometimes when i sit and think about it, i'm actually disgusting. what to do, what to do. i don't even have the energy to cry.

but i digress. the more i think about this bowl of green jello sitting in the fridge the hungrier i get. i have differentiation questions for tomorrow but i really don't want to do anything at all. i'm listening to lady gaga before she was lady gaga, and she really can sing. but then she's forgettable. that's life i guess.

wherever there is comfort there is pain

only one step away. i'm listening to magic johnson and trying to make my mother fuck off. i have an othello essay plan and i really don't want to do it, but i'm going to have to. i'm not even in english tomorrow because i'm going to the docteurrrrrrr, but perhaps i could fake a 'omg i totally forgot i'll give it to you tomorrow' or something along those lines. i feel like shit still - hate being ill. i'm pretty sure the jab doesn't have a live stream or w/e otherwise i'll get more ill.
listening to jay-z and thinking about life
i procrastinate quite a ridiculous amount.
instead of working i play scrabble and drink in my room.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

WHERE DOES MY MOTHER PUT MY LAUNDRY?
PUTTING AN ITEM OF CLOTHING INTO THE WASHING BASKET IS AKIN TO THROWING IT INTO THE FUCKIN' ATLANTIC; I NEVER BLOODY SEE IT AGAIN, ESPECIALLY WHEN I NEED TO WEAR IT! FUCKING FUCKING FUCK!

i have serious delusions about life

but hey. don't we all. i'm still ill but not quite as ill as i was on the weekend, which is a pisstake of massive proportions. i have to go get a swine flu jab on thursday which means i miss english, which is actually pretty annoying, because out of my four subjects, english is probably the only one i really enjoy. but hey. i'm making luke give andrew my work so at least he can mark it. blurrrrrrrr college is hurting my brain a lot. i'm almost failing chemistry - big woop there.

what am i going to do with my life?
whaaaaaat toooo doooo

on another completely unrelated note, today sian and i 'squabbed' pretty patrick while coming out of the catherine building toilets XD

i lol'd

still in a disturbing amount of pain.

carmen is in the fucking shower so i can't even wash my face or anything. so i went and took pictures out of my brother's window instead. and i totally feel like shit, so i'm just going to take painkillers and drink vitamin c fizzy bullshit. i found really pretty pink painkillers in the house; which makes up for the fact that i can't find the vaseline tin of paracetamol powder anywhere. if my mother finds that she's going to think it's coke or something, which could only add to my worries. i want to go and sit outside so i can get some fresh air, but then even walking to the bathroom is causing intense pain. i'll make do with the open window. i'm going to chill in bed and watch movies on the internet or maybe do the history essay that i owe lee. fuck. i probably have other work as well but i really can't do it. i have to finalize the plan for andrew, fill out a reading log for judith, work on chemistry in general because i'm two steps away from failing, and then do maths questions. differentiation..wut.

miss hilton you must be worth a trillion bucks

o hai thurr
can haz shampoo

i feel better now. i smoked and ate. but now i can't sleep.

my head is throbbing

this amuses me

i'm sick again - my immune system seems to have weakened substantially. i'm very hot and then very cold, so i have to keep taking the hoodie off and then putting it back on when sitting there in my matching underwear gets too cold.
i got bored today and took photos of leaves through my brother's bedroom window, but as always, i couldn't get the composition right and most of the photos were ehhhhhhhhhh

i want a smoke but i'm pretty sure smoking right now would break my throat. but then again, withdrawal is probably part of the reason i feel so shit; i haven't had a smoke for nine or so hours, it's actually beginning to hurt. but then i'm in so much pain that even sitting up to type this is excessively painful, so perhaps i can sit here and get through it.

i miss the old times. i like college. i like being able to start afresh. i like that everything that's ever pained me can sort of be left behind. but at times i still miss being around the people who caused the pain. stupid, right? i don't know. i just reckon that sometimes i like the pain. that i enjoy the suffering. but who knows? all i want to do now is lie here and hold myself and try to remember all the tiny things about you.

it's true, you can inhale chicken nuggets.

watched henry eat 36 chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger today. ridiculous XD
went back to whitmore today which was so terribly exciting.
not really.

but anyway. i'm still confused and really conflicted about a great deal of things. i don't know what to do at all and i hate being at such a loss for what to say. me being lost for words really doesn't occur often, and i don't like it. i don't like this feeling at all. it makes me feel useless and stupid. and i feel like i want to dive right back into the pit and forget everything i worked for. i've been terrified for a good two months because i don't have anything to hide behind anymore because i decided to start over and keep my problems somewhere else. and i can't keep it up. and i'm scared that i can't keep up. and i honestly don't know what to do. i don't even want to go to college tomorrow. i don't want to do anything at all. i just want to lie here and listen to the rain on my window.

and i feel nauseous at the thought of anyone knowing everything. i feel physically sick to know that anyone could understand everything and it's terrifying. this is why i don't want to fall in love again. this is why i can't breathe past the pain you cause. talking about it - no, typing it - is making me more and more scared and i can just imagine you in my head talking to me and telling you understand and meaning it and i just want to run as far away as i can. i just want to go home to hong kong and have an apartment in wanchai and share it with degenerates and drink whisky all day so i don't have to let anyone know. i don't think this country does me any favours. i have too much time here to think about everything that's wrong with me. and everything here reminds me of a time when things were good and then they got bad very quickly. and it's so lonely here. terence is at uni and i hate my mother half the time so where can i find what i need? i know if i'd never come here then i'd be on meth or something by now, but i'm not sure that i like how i've become here either. it's just not good. at all.

i've managed to be a wreck today.

woke up late for college, threw some clothes on and got in a cab. met luke and katherine at the wall, had a smoke, and then went to tutorial. had my HPV, arm is now numb. spent most of the day ripping my jeans further. fun times, amirite?

i want to start a 365 blog. or do something new. i want to find a way to be new.
i want to find a way to be clean.

but i got home and had some altercation with my mother. asked if she wanted dinner, made it. came out to find it untouched on the table. nearly threw it at her. ate, she came over and declared my vegetables undercooked. i'm like, they're vegetables you knob, i would they were raw but you like to steam the nutrients out of everything. she complains more, i sit there gnawing on a carrot stick. we sit and watch chinese soap operas. i cry. felt like an idiot. cleared the table and put the laundry on spin.

life has been generally mundane.
oh and luke poured a bottle of coke on my head today
what the frick

almost caught smoking. fun times.

but i just smashed that shit into a tin and put the fan on just in time. jeeez.
going to spend most of today reading foryoursatisfashion and parkandcube, obviously.
parkandcube's shoe bazaar is love. except the pair of boots i want and could actually afford is a 7, and i'm a 4-5.
i've been looking for boots for ages; i need to own at least a pair that i can wear; pumps and brogues are fine for now but it's going to get so cold..
lizares' sheer men's shirts are so beautiful - i'm too short and round to wear one, but hey. craving a rodarte jumper; would make one in it's style but i can't knit for shit. will probably find a poor imitation in a charity shop somewhere and wear it to death.

i'm watching 500 days of summer, eating runts, and comtemplating whether or not the wonderful dream i had last night means anything at all. i'm not sure i want it to, but then i do. it was one of the most beautiful dreams i've had in three years. and i want to explain and i want to say everything i'd like to but i know not to. because i don't want to break everything. because everything is fine as it is. and everything is just fine, and i know i'll fuck it up with my feelings. i'm trying not to think about him. but i always end up thinking about him and it all falls apart. but hey. it's cool. i'll get over him if i don't do anything, because everything always goes away if nothing happens. i'll just try to hold everything back and put it in a box somewhere and seal the box and put it in a dark corner.

instead of finding some kind of happiness with him, i'll continue to have completely empty sex that lacks anything but pure mechanics with some other guy. who, i of course wish was him. but anyway. i should remind myself to stop being such a girl about these things. i should attempt to have a more casual approach; and i do, but sometimes you meet some-one and awaaaay go your principles and your self-inflicted rules about what to do and what to say and you just end up miserable in a huddle of your own guilt and self-loathing.

i love sample sales.

reiss sample sale todayyyy :)
got this fluid men's jersey, £60 to £15, silky scarf thing for £15, and a £60 gold purse down to a tenner.







and dorothy perkins was having a tights sale so i went in there and blew more money XD blue, turquoise, green and purple.





george got 120 quid shoes down to 40, then to 25 :D
then we wandered around london, and happened upon a delightful blinese guy in h&m who i've realized i'm in love with, then bought a lint roller cuz i'm that cool. wandered about a little more, then decided i was going to watford to buy nerds and candy canes from this one sweetshop; but when i got there, there weren't any normal candy canes, and they only has nerds rope, so i bought the rope and some runts as well. and a gobstopper because i love those things :D

i spent way too much money today, but it was totally worth it. i got like, £170's worth of stuff for about £50. which makes me a happy bunny. and i need a new baggy cardigan; my mother seems to have taken her polo one back. when i'm an adult i'm going to live in sample sales. because i'm that cheap.

life is good :)
and i've just been asked if i want to have sex.
i lol'd

realizations.

i will never be as successful as i want to be.
i will never be as thin as i want to be.
i can eat half a chicken in about half an hour.
i love to destroy things.
i stay up late because i'm scared of my nightmares.
i have such a facade.
i follow too many fashion blogs.
i follow too many blogs, period.
i hope to be the girlfriend one day, not the random fuck.
i sometimes wish i was born ten years earlier.
i have breakdowns at freakishly regular intervals.
i have always wanted to fly planes.
i won't try hard drugs because i have such an addictive personality and i'm terrified of it.
i have irregular and dangerous eating habits and it doesn't bother me.
i like walking home in the morning in last night's clothes with no make-up on.
i wish i could rewind to where we met and start where we began.
i live in a constant fear of the chopstick killer.
i wish that i wasn't so easily overcome by paranoia.
i want to move out as soon as i can.
i miss hong kong more than i can say; i like england, but hong kong is still where my heart remains.
i want to become rich enough so that my mother doesn't have to work another day in her life.
i love my family so much sometimes it hurts.
i love torrential rain, snow and cold sun.
i want a room in my house for all my books.
i am made of good intentions.
i drink alone far too much.
i miss my father a lot.
i haven't had a nosebleed since that time i bled for an hour. maybe it ran out.
i think i've used up my allocation of tears on guys.
i like dancing alone in the rain.
i wish i could breakdance.
i'm glad that i'm alive.

today was average

had to wake up early for the first time in days. it wasn't so bad - i walked most of the way to college. failed a chem test in the morning because of stupid mistakes. again. fml.
i'm making studded tights :)

in smoke filled rooms of electric sound

reading old posts remind me of how i felt then, and i usually end up feeling the same again.

'and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.' nietzsche

i don't seem to know where i'm going anymore. and i feel like i'm drowning, to use one of those metaphors that everyone tosses around because nothing's original. i don't know what to say or how to feel about the several situations that surround my life. can't there be an off button of some kind i can install on the wall and can't i call you for help? you're breaking my heart with your silence, you know. i look at the letters on the letter and i sigh in disappointment yet again because i'm not good enough. for me, for you, for anyone.

sometimes i think i'd like to die young just so i could be remembered as what i could have been. i don't want to live long enough to fail and become just another smear of dirt on society's freshly painted bedroom walls. just the very idea of this is making me shake in the kitchen chair where i feverishly type away on these shiny black keys. i wish i could lose myself in anything that wasn't you or the things i used to do. but just as i collapse and retire into quiet anonymity i remember all the things you used to say and the way you walked away and i can finally breathe.

you must think i'm fucking stupid if i'm going to sit here and listen to you bullshit. most of you don't know how great your lives are. and i don't need no lecture on how i should be grateful for having a house and clean water - because i am. most of you will live content lives and do what you've always wanted. maybe you'll have kids and get married, maybe you'll start your own dance troupe, maybe you'll direct hollywood films, maybe you'll be a rockstar and snort cocaine off hot young things, maybe you'll teach biophysics; i don't know what you want to do in life.

you say i'm broken, i say i'm doing just fine in the separate parts of me. i don't need you to tell me i need to be fixed. i don't need your bullshit. don't pity me. the worst thing in the world you could do is pity me because that only makes me hate you more. hate me if you'd like. i'm sure a lot of you do. but don't waste your pity on me because all i'm going to do is spit venom right back at you.

and apparently there are better things in life than alcohol, but sometimes it'll make up for not having them.

just got in.

and i have had really a rather good night. i'm not mad drunk and i haven't regretted doing anything. it was one of the better birthdays.



from geisha girl to me just before i go to sleep. fun times. i'm not even too bad about going back to college on monday; i have a late start, and it's just chill. i think that as cheesy as it sounds, tonight reminded me that you don't have to go to great lengths to have fun. just smear some eyeliner on, pull on a kimono and go out and live your life. life is good right now, it really really is. and i can't even think of a bad day tomorrow. i'm just so happy. perhaps it's the whisky talking.