21 days til christmas.

i'm not one to look forward to christmas on the whole. obviously when i was a kid christmas was fun and the presents were wonderful and even in hong kong without snow it was nice. but now it makes me stressed and angry and lonely and all i want to do at christmas is go home. instead i get to go through the double whammy of having to eat a lot of food so i don't look like i'm trying to starve myself and then having to hold in all existing fat and 'casually' lounge about. i can't do a casual lounge. i can't just sit there and not care about how my body looks because i spend every moment between working and hurting thinking about how my body looks. i try too hard to look like i haven't tried - isn't that ridiculous? i plunge into this depression pretty much every year and i'm finding more and more as time goes past that i don't care. i can't care. i just want to lie down in my bed and cry. and sleep. and cry. and sleep. and a combination of the two. i wonder what's going to happen to me.