early mornings from a lifetime ago

old times, you know


it's ten past four and i can hear the birds tweeting outside of the window. to join them - what paradise. perhaps to sit on the back step and inhale the morning air with a twist of nicotine is just what i need. after ingesting two bowls of ice cream and a packet of prawn cocktail m&s crisps.

i spent the last three hours reliving childhood games. more fun than i could ever imagine. i'm sort of cold at the moment. tomorrow my mother's friends are coming round at 10:30 - as i'm sleeping on the sofa, this means i must rouse myself before they get here, tidy up my mess, and relocate to my mother's bed to sleep for another two hours.

and at fourteen past the impending doom of the maths exams is so close i can almost taste it; bitter in the mouth. i can't calculate bearings and for the love of god, why were sine, cosine and tangent invented? fucking christ. another question. why on earth am i taking maths a level? because i'm a douche obviously. everyone looks at me weirdly when i tell them what i'm going to do at a level. i'm at a stage where i'm too tired to care.

i'm re-reading old books i haven't touched in years, speaking to old friends - maybe trying to find my past. perhaps just to reminisce. who knows. i can't wait until tomorrow because then there will be new postsecrets. and i adore postsecret. i should also go look at fml for a bit; i won't be sleeping anyway. sleep isn't so important.

a carlsberg imploded in my bag today - a wasted beer and my bag and everything in it smells like a brewery. but oh well. half a pint of cookies and cream Häagen-Dazs should soothe the annoyance of having my wallet smell like a drunk hobo's rags. i'm feeling like fried rice. i made some earlier - egg and frankfurter fried rice, with hot pepper sauce fried in. dash of ketchup. my ability to produce chinese food is somewhat limited. which i suppose is surprising to half my year who carry the misconception that i can produce a perfect 2PL. sorry. can't.

twenty past. still haven't moved from my station on this white leather sofa - leather sofas are a bad idea for me. anyone who knows me is aware that i wear short shorts, short skirts, or nothing. right now i'm wearing a men's shirt and pants. i.e my thighs have attached themselves to the sofa. uncomfortable? incredibly so.

i wonder if south park is on. or maybe one of those weird late-night/early morning movies. i feel like i need a laugh. ugh. a weird pain just started in my back crawling up the spine. that was slightly odd. i'm increasingly aware of acute pains and discomforts lately - my mother calls them 'growing pains' which of course is bollocks. if there's a direction i'm going to grow in it'll be in girth, not in height. i'll be lucky to gain half an inch more throughout my life.

i want exams to end sort of right now. this week i have probably drank enough to fill an exam hall, but alas, i have not yet been motivated to revise. i went through the motions and 'did' a practise paper - but considering i was watching two and a half men at the time, it was more of a movement of the hands. i still don't know how one does a bearing. but oh well. should probably revise slightly more important stuff than that.

i want to go outside right now with somebody - anybody. just to go out of my house and sit somewhere. and watch the sunrise; i haven't seen one for so long. it's looking pretty light out already; if this was winter, the sky is this colour at about 7 a.m. a shade of blue quite without description. my wrists keep itching i'm uncomfortable. i wonder where my mother's tidied my moisturizer. i can hear noises from my brother's room; he's probably watching a movie or some show on iplayer.

i could really use a drink right now. there's vodka cranberries in the fridge, i suppose. maybe getting tanked alone at twenty-eight past four in the morning would only further support my lack of a life. but maybe i don't care anymore. getting smashed is fun when you're with people that you like; and today i like myself. so perhaps i'll go get that bottle and mixxx it up. find an ice cube or two? dash of lime to make it a cosmo. i think there's a plastic lime with lime juice in it somewhere in my kitchen.

if only it was sunny right now i could tan. i fell asleep yesterday tanning and reading anne frank; the diary of a young girl. that book always saddens me. or if i'm feeling particularly emotional, pushes me over. touching the hot metal armrests of a garden chair brings a considerable amount of pain, ladies and gents. it's even worse when you trip and fall face first onto your metal table. christ it hurt.

so we're at thirty-three now and i still don't feel fatigue. i want to make cup noodles; i'm kind of starving right now.