up early to go shopping :)

my blurred hand appears to have lost a finger

jimmy sullivan r.i.p

everybody's dying these days. i thought brittany murphy would be the last, but i guess there's still 2 days left of '09 for people to die in. i have such morbid fascinations.

i have to find a life outside of the internet.

i am not wearing make-up today and i feel very clean.
tomorrow we are going to see my dad's godmother in kent and we're going to have lunch, then we're going to kew to see the murrays and have tea. my life is exciting.

i miss regularity. i miss you.

i'm a bad person

i made my mother cry on christmas because she found out about the piercing, then she told me she didn't even want to touch me. so all in all it's been jolly.

i'd stop the world and melt with you

i don't feel anything. it's cold. it's christmas eve. i'm supposed to be excited. i'm blasé. i'm supposed to wait up tonight for christmas. i've been awake since 4 am for the past week. i'm supposed to feel offense because jason treats me as a sex object. i don't care at all. i should be revising. i tried to do a solomon paper and nearly had a panic attack because half of it was incomprehensible.



but i digress. i'm watching house and drinking juice and i'm going to play flash games on neopets and take joy in the fact that i can earn imaginary money and buy things.

'great men are not always good'



look at those crazy eyes.
<3

like yesterday, i am still awake.

IT'S HALF FOUR IN THE MORNING.
I'M NOT EVEN TIRED.

just watched inglourious basterds with my brother, and now i'm surfing lookbook for funsies. i went shopping today and bought quite a lot of shit, including this really nice grey knit thing.




and the thing is, i'm probably not going to sleep tonight.
i feel so unmotivated to work hard. i will probably do badly in my january exams but i'm struggling to care.
what happened to me? the tremendous pressure i used to feel to get good grades has totally died on me. fuck's sake.
trying to find a happy medium is ridiculously difficult.
can't find a stable weight, can't find a stable relationship, can't find a stable emotional state, and now i can't find a stable amount of motivation.

i disgust myself so badly right now it's not even funny. i just want to hide somewhere for months from everyone and anything. and hide from these dreams i've been having because they're just too nice. they're just too good to be true and every time i wake up i realize how unachievable they are.

hi, i feel like shit

it's 2:15 and for the last couple of days i have gone to bed from in the early hours when the birds start singing and woken up feeling even more like shit. i can't sleep, or maybe i don't want to.

whatever. i'm going to watch scrubs until about 4.
i haven't revised anything at all and i am blatantly going to fail but i don't think i care.
which is, surprisingly enough, not worrying.
maybe i could just fail at life and work at a chinese restaurant my whole life.
it'd be easier than trying.
i'm so sick of trying and failing.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

o hai white christmas

possibly.

i slob around the house in 'sweatpants' and no make-up these days because i'm trying to clear my skin out. fuuuck it's really cold and i'm chilling out in terence's room playing heroes of might and magic. well, i was, then i got tired of my wood elves dying on me. yes, i have a life. i can hear them decorating the tree downstairs.

'please daddy we don't want to decorate the babylonian symbol of evil'

i keep having the dream where everything is nice and it's driving me crazy. it's like dangling a pack of marlboros in front of me and pulling them away everytime i go for 'em. i hate it when i wake up. this is why i don't sleep.

wasabiiiiii <3

have i ever told you

that i'm an embarassment?


i didn't want this at all.



and.

mm tired.

GIMP.

would've worn this today but decided not to waste nice boots on a history lesson

so switched boots for flats and slung my brother's army jacket on.



so had a history mock today which was better than i expected. nonetheless it wasn't much fun.
maths tomorrow morning for three hours. i will need coke and cigarettes.


'we have a dance in the brothels of buenos aires'
<3



how the hell is there already birdsong?
it's not even one yet...

viki went shopping and spent a week's wages on a dress

i also bought tweezers and new concealer. i like shopping. this dress will have to be worn with tights and several layers however. damn this winter. i'm watching the princess diaries XD

i'm so cool...NOT

i need to buy new underwear, and tweezers.

i've lost all the tweezers in my house and i can't tweeze anything ARGGHH

jason asked me if i wanted 'a package' for christmas. i laughed.

i'm having lunch with my cousin tomorrow.

i need to pee.

i'm so exciting,

today has been standard.

i have work tomorrow and i'm way tired. i have to wash my hair in the morning.
jason decided to go on facebook chat to me and say 'i miss ur mouth'
i'm like... crass much?
and now you regret it.
bah.
tbh, i'm not really bothered about getting laid at this point in time. i have too much work to do, and exams, and just ugh. i've never been at a point when i'm dying for a shag. cigarettes is a wholeeeee different story. so whatever. perhaps i'll give into the carnal instinct of mindless fucking or perhaps i'll disdain him. i don't know. right now all i can think about right now is crawling into bed and having a nice long sleep.

i'm running on empty and can't do much about it. however, natteh just rang - she's at paramore - so i had a nice listen. :)

everytime i think about you

i feel like some-one has taken me and clenched me. just crushed me in a giant fist. you drive me insane without even knowing it and i don't think i care anymore. i have a maths mock tomorrow afternoon. i'm going to die die die die. i start late though, so it's cooool. i might or might not be seeing beckyyy tomorrow - hopefully i will. i haven't seen her in absolutely ages. there are so many things i haven't done in so long and it's beginning to spill. i'm not sure if i can go on pretending. i'm not sure i need to. i'm not sure of anything at all.

i have to go to harrow tomorrow morning and buy cigarettes and possibly go to burger king and get 'tater tots'. i love napoleon dynamite. why aren't things easier?

so i felt really lame today.

and decided to stitch 'ily' into my shirtsleeve. i couldn't think of anything better, besides 'fuck' and my mum does my laundry.
i'm tired and have a maths mock tomorrow. i haven't revised. i set myself up for failure. isn't this just fucking fabulous.

teenage dirtbag

always comes up on spotify.

i'm realll tired but i want to watch SATC. or maybe i should go to sleep at a decent hour for once. or maybe not. who knows. i should probably go take a shower and wash the mop i call hair. it's icky. the weather is ridiculous. i'm still not wearing jeans and it's like 3 degress celsius. or something. maybe it'll snow this christmas and i'll get to forget. i don't think dad's coming over for the new year this year. i don't think my brother and i are so high on his priority list anymore. not surprising really. but c'est la vie.

not like i can make him do anything. i've decided i'm going to get driving lessons. if only so that i can drive around instead of waiting around on shitty public transport or expecting my mother to ferry me about. i'm going to go and listen to placebo and take a showerrr