wherever there is comfort there is pain

only one step away. i'm listening to magic johnson and trying to make my mother fuck off. i have an othello essay plan and i really don't want to do it, but i'm going to have to. i'm not even in english tomorrow because i'm going to the docteurrrrrrr, but perhaps i could fake a 'omg i totally forgot i'll give it to you tomorrow' or something along those lines. i feel like shit still - hate being ill. i'm pretty sure the jab doesn't have a live stream or w/e otherwise i'll get more ill.
listening to jay-z and thinking about life
i procrastinate quite a ridiculous amount.
instead of working i play scrabble and drink in my room.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

WHERE DOES MY MOTHER PUT MY LAUNDRY?
PUTTING AN ITEM OF CLOTHING INTO THE WASHING BASKET IS AKIN TO THROWING IT INTO THE FUCKIN' ATLANTIC; I NEVER BLOODY SEE IT AGAIN, ESPECIALLY WHEN I NEED TO WEAR IT! FUCKING FUCKING FUCK!

i have serious delusions about life

but hey. don't we all. i'm still ill but not quite as ill as i was on the weekend, which is a pisstake of massive proportions. i have to go get a swine flu jab on thursday which means i miss english, which is actually pretty annoying, because out of my four subjects, english is probably the only one i really enjoy. but hey. i'm making luke give andrew my work so at least he can mark it. blurrrrrrrr college is hurting my brain a lot. i'm almost failing chemistry - big woop there.

what am i going to do with my life?
whaaaaaat toooo doooo

on another completely unrelated note, today sian and i 'squabbed' pretty patrick while coming out of the catherine building toilets XD

i lol'd

still in a disturbing amount of pain.

carmen is in the fucking shower so i can't even wash my face or anything. so i went and took pictures out of my brother's window instead. and i totally feel like shit, so i'm just going to take painkillers and drink vitamin c fizzy bullshit. i found really pretty pink painkillers in the house; which makes up for the fact that i can't find the vaseline tin of paracetamol powder anywhere. if my mother finds that she's going to think it's coke or something, which could only add to my worries. i want to go and sit outside so i can get some fresh air, but then even walking to the bathroom is causing intense pain. i'll make do with the open window. i'm going to chill in bed and watch movies on the internet or maybe do the history essay that i owe lee. fuck. i probably have other work as well but i really can't do it. i have to finalize the plan for andrew, fill out a reading log for judith, work on chemistry in general because i'm two steps away from failing, and then do maths questions. differentiation..wut.

miss hilton you must be worth a trillion bucks

o hai thurr
can haz shampoo

i feel better now. i smoked and ate. but now i can't sleep.

my head is throbbing

this amuses me

i'm sick again - my immune system seems to have weakened substantially. i'm very hot and then very cold, so i have to keep taking the hoodie off and then putting it back on when sitting there in my matching underwear gets too cold.
i got bored today and took photos of leaves through my brother's bedroom window, but as always, i couldn't get the composition right and most of the photos were ehhhhhhhhhh

i want a smoke but i'm pretty sure smoking right now would break my throat. but then again, withdrawal is probably part of the reason i feel so shit; i haven't had a smoke for nine or so hours, it's actually beginning to hurt. but then i'm in so much pain that even sitting up to type this is excessively painful, so perhaps i can sit here and get through it.

i miss the old times. i like college. i like being able to start afresh. i like that everything that's ever pained me can sort of be left behind. but at times i still miss being around the people who caused the pain. stupid, right? i don't know. i just reckon that sometimes i like the pain. that i enjoy the suffering. but who knows? all i want to do now is lie here and hold myself and try to remember all the tiny things about you.

it's true, you can inhale chicken nuggets.

watched henry eat 36 chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger today. ridiculous XD
went back to whitmore today which was so terribly exciting.
not really.

but anyway. i'm still confused and really conflicted about a great deal of things. i don't know what to do at all and i hate being at such a loss for what to say. me being lost for words really doesn't occur often, and i don't like it. i don't like this feeling at all. it makes me feel useless and stupid. and i feel like i want to dive right back into the pit and forget everything i worked for. i've been terrified for a good two months because i don't have anything to hide behind anymore because i decided to start over and keep my problems somewhere else. and i can't keep it up. and i'm scared that i can't keep up. and i honestly don't know what to do. i don't even want to go to college tomorrow. i don't want to do anything at all. i just want to lie here and listen to the rain on my window.

and i feel nauseous at the thought of anyone knowing everything. i feel physically sick to know that anyone could understand everything and it's terrifying. this is why i don't want to fall in love again. this is why i can't breathe past the pain you cause. talking about it - no, typing it - is making me more and more scared and i can just imagine you in my head talking to me and telling you understand and meaning it and i just want to run as far away as i can. i just want to go home to hong kong and have an apartment in wanchai and share it with degenerates and drink whisky all day so i don't have to let anyone know. i don't think this country does me any favours. i have too much time here to think about everything that's wrong with me. and everything here reminds me of a time when things were good and then they got bad very quickly. and it's so lonely here. terence is at uni and i hate my mother half the time so where can i find what i need? i know if i'd never come here then i'd be on meth or something by now, but i'm not sure that i like how i've become here either. it's just not good. at all.