being crushed there's a deadweightdeadhate sitting on my chest hitting me where it hurts and i am being crushed. and i can't get up because i'm tied to all of you and you drag me down into the slime. although i don't mean to blame any of you for this deadhate because i criticise and destroy myself piece by piece without any help at all because i can because i can because i can't fucking move from this i can't move away from it.
consumed by an enormous hound of guilt i scream inside, but i can't have you hear me won't have you hear my thoughts. bringing myself to a point where i can't disappoint and then i do and so i lose again. this isn't even a game anymore but i still fucking lose time after time and i'm starting to believe that i won't ever get to winning. not even a top ten but surely enough that would be worse. i don't want to be an almost. i don't want to be a not quite. i want to be exceptional, or truly disgraceful because to be competent or adequate merely leads to my mediocrity. my mediocre life and my mediocre mind and my mediocre existence. and i don't ever want that.