in bed watching CSI and drinking enough water to fill a tub.

i'm trying to detox. which, admittedly, is somewhat counteracted by the smoking. but i'm trying to cut down on fizz and drink my recommended two litres. i've been peeing like crazy. maaaaan i'm real tired. my wrists are itchyyyy, as is the rest of my arms. and also some of my leg. perhaps more allergies are surfacing. whatever. i can't find my clinique moisturizer. this is stressing me out hugely for something so miniscule.

i feel like my brain's not working. i had a cleaning fit earlier and i can now see parts of my room/bed/floor/desk that i haven't seen in a good month or so. i just forget to put laundry away and that shit piles up. but anyway. i just feel so disconnected with everything at the moment. when i'm alone i just seem to melt into myself until i'm just sitting there staring at nothing. i pull myself together once a week when i have to see people, but the loneliness isn't even painful anymore. it's just a part of me. bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody fuck.

why hello there breakdown

why do i keep doing this to myself? more like, why can't i just ignore my mother? why do i let her get to me constantly? i'm never good enough for this bullshit. i'm not thin enough. i don't work hard enough. i'm not obedient enough. i'm never enough of anything. i'm just her fucking fat daughter with the two B's at GCSE which she had to have remarked because they were that shameful. i just wear too much fucking eyeliner and not enough clothing. nothing i do or say is ever enough or what she wants to hear. why am i trying? i can't live up to my brother, nor her freakish expectations of me, or her fucking friends' kids who gets straight A's and don't have body piercings and tattoos. i can't do this shit anymore. i thought she got over making me feel like shit when i finally managed to get down to a more socially acceptable 110 pounds. i thought she might actually feel like being a decent person. apparently gaining weight is disgusting and i shouldn't eat so much fucking food and this is all bullshit because she eats more crap than i do and she has high blood pressure for fuck's sake. but nooo, i'm the one who's not supposed to eat a fucking chocolate bar because i'm already a fat shit. you master the art of silent crying in this house because crying out loud apparently means you want a fucking pity party. and then she tells me i'm seeking attention and that i'm pathetic. shit i just want to lie down and cut and die right now because she makes me feel so worthless. and i need a cigarette or perhaps just a drink because instead of going to sleep and waking up for college in the morning all i'm doing is sitting here, crying, and wishing that i could be good enough, just for once.

always with the pretending.

i feel like being honest but then i can't bring myself to do it. i escaped that delightful label in high school and i really don't want it back. it's really hard to keep this up. and i feel like telling everyone and anyone but then i don't and it all goes terribly wrong.

regardless. i have two essays for friday that won't get done til tomorrow night. i can't wait to fail at life.




herro manicure

watching supersize versus superskinny

just saw a lot of naked arseeee
how delightful.

tornnnnnnnn. also i'm really tired. as usual. jeez i must sound like a right boring twat, but i honestly don't have energy for anything besides college and sleep. i love sex and the city because right now i'm watching samantha orgasm while my mother's in the room.

teeheehee.

just spent about three hours watching comedy central

and as usual, not doing any work.
blech.
sian and i planned that she's going to film kevin and i shagging on a bus and make it into a porn. and i concurred that kevin, katherine and i make a banana split. me being the banana, kevin the chocolate sauce and katherine the vanilla ice cream.

we have vivid imaginations i suppose.
i'm watching sex and the city and drying my hair.
it's 11:46 and i really need to be asleep but i can't sleep at all.

i have to find some-one new to screw.

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i got my job back :]

i went to golden palace yesterday with my mum and had dinner, then lily came over and asked me if i wanted my job back so i was all :D:D
went to see new moon today with sian, katherine, james and daniel; it was nice. i like doing normal things like going to the cinema and watching a film and doing something age-appropriate and legal. then lily called and asked if i could work tomorrow, and i'm not one to turn down work, so now i'm doing all the homework i was going to do tomorrow. it's okay though. tomorrow i'll be twenty-five pounds richer which bodes well for me. i'm only working saturdays because i have so much more work these days. which i still can't quite comprehend. downsizing to four subjects somehow = more work. but whatever.

i have this horrendous cough lately. i coughed so hard i nearly threw up earlier which would have been totally disgusting, humiliating and just ugh. my left foot got soaked because there's a hole in the bottom of my left shoe. james gave me a piggyback over the massive puddle that formed outside. i'm really tired but i don't want to sleep yet. i'm trying to do bestchoice but i'm struggling to find any kind of interest in the bonding of carbon and hydrogen. i don't even know why i took chemistry.

and my back is killllllllling me today. yay for muscle ache. my xanga is so inactive lately. probably because i started this blog, actually. but then again none of the weird shit goes on here; that's what xanga is for, amirite. i feel like my head is being crushed between valuev's thighs.



yes, the big one. although either would be painful. i think i'm going to re-read the curious incident of the dog in the night-time, then go to bed. green jello might help the throat though..

& i follow too many blogs and someday hope that some-one will hold me.