BLACKOUT

UNKNOWN black long-sleeved shirt

H&M black shirt

TOPSHOP black velvet leggings

TOPSHOP gunmetal pumps

wahey. i'm rather busy these days and i do apologise for the distinct lack of anything recently.

1:27

being crushed there's a deadweightdeadhate sitting on my chest hitting me where it hurts and i am being crushed. and i can't get up because i'm tied to all of you and you drag me down into the slime. although i don't mean to blame any of you for this deadhate because i criticise and destroy myself piece by piece without any help at all because i can because i can because i can't fucking move from this i can't move away from it.

consumed by an enormous hound of guilt i scream inside, but i can't have you hear me won't have you hear my thoughts. bringing myself to a point where i can't disappoint and then i do and so i lose again. this isn't even a game anymore but i still fucking lose time after time and i'm starting to believe that i won't ever get to winning. not even a top ten but surely enough that would be worse. i don't want to be an almost. i don't want to be a not quite. i want to be exceptional, or truly disgraceful because to be competent or adequate merely leads to my mediocrity. my mediocre life and my mediocre mind and my mediocre existence. and i don't ever want that.

ink

LK BENNETT navy striped cardigan

H&M black shirt

H&M grey skirt

TOPSHOP gunmetal flats

PRIMARK brown belt

excuse the slightly disgruntled face. i got my tattoo quotes today with george, and it'll be around £30 for my two little symbols. which is really quite good. i'm getting the sign of the deathly hallows on the left ankle - it's obvious why - and the infinity symbol on the right ankle. george and i are both getting it because i love her long time. that's all i have time for today. s2 exam tomorrow. bricking it ever so slightly.

stumbleuponsleeptumblrexaminations

these four things are the reasons i've not been a terribly active blogger. also the fact that i have been spending most of my waking hours in the library. i go to college until 4 or so, then to the library until 8, which is when it shuts. and then i go home. it's been a rather mundane repertoire, but one that is to be performed until my exams are over.

i am also finding myself more and more inclined towards curling up in a corner and staring at the wall. i don't particularly want to go anywhere, or do anything lately. perhaps i'm just tired. now if only a good night's sleep would cure me. not that it's terribly achievable, sleep evades me.

scars and souvenirs

today's outfit

LK BENNETT navy striped cardigan

AA black u-neck dress

ASOS diagonal striped tights

VANS skull trail high-top vans

also JAEGER blue cardigan

this is a rather unremarkable outfit, and so i didn't put it on lookbook - in fact i've not put anything up since before easter since i've been wearing the same sort of thing most days. college is more work and less dressing up these days. however, george got us tickets to a kurt geiger event on wednesday at the covent garden store - it will be muchas fabulouso, and i will have a nice outfit on. and i shall take wonderful pictures. there was also talk of a goodie bag, which brings me much joy. however i did find a look from january which i must've just forgot to post, so i'm uploading that as we speak.

so click on this bad boy to get to my lookbook.

in rather less exciting news, i had to fight my way through the hordes of GCSE students who live in the library to acquire tables for myself and fiona today - i genuinely don't get why there are all these GCSE kids, but no A-level students at the library. i sure as hell didn't revise for my GCSE's and i did pretty damn good anyway...

also, the rather awkward and unfortunate event that is realising your ex still likes you occurred yesterday. had this happened a year after we broke up, i would have been pretty pleased. revenge, karma, whatever. now i'm just sort of distraught because i want him to be happy, and i like having him in my life, but i cannot sustain a friendship where i can't act like myself - sexually inappropriate and flirty - because i don't want to give the wrong impression. so i told him we couldn't be friends until there wasn't weirdness. and that's shitty because i like spending time with him, and i like his family, and we have good times together. but that's how it panned out, so i'm just going with it. and it's going to be a bit shit.

it's hard to stay here and be like this. it's getting harder and harder to remain.

wishlist

this is what heaven's like. in tights.

i remember a long time ago when i wasn't obsessed with hosiery. my god i could spend a thousand pounds on this site easily. every style they have comes in about 50 colours; basically my idea of heaven. since they ship from the US when i get money to order them, i'll be ordering in bulk. when you're paying $15 for shipping you'd better make it worth your while..

neil gaiman is a genius

i need to complete my sandman collection; so far i have brief lives, a game of you and dream country. and i need MOREEE

americanapparel

as always i end up at AA. and as always i'm having LBD fever. i should note that LBD also means long black dress in my case, as i've fallen in love with the baby rib long dress. the velvet tank pencil dress and the nylon tricot pencil dress are just more of my loves. and i must have the u-neck dress in several more colours.

christ i only ever want things when i haven't any money :(

tattoo ideas

it's gonna be text. i think that my tattoos always will be words. at the moment i'm thinking about a literary tattoo, and shuffling around some ideas that just come to me. or more lyrics, quite probably beatles or john lennon's solo stuff. and i deeply desire a tattoo in elvish. or something from lotr. although i've already decided that i want the deathly hallows symbol. small, maybe thumbnail sized, thin black line. in the cleft of my ankle, if that makes sense.

* the world is quiet here - lemony snicket, a series of unfortunate events. in the font from the books, which is a kind of typewriter font.

* you don't have to stay anywhere forever - neil gaiman

* we are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams - roald dahl, charlie and the chocolate factory.

* tomorrow never knows - the beatles

*be resolute - marlowe's dr faustus

and i'm thinking things through properly, obviously. to be honest i don't see a way i would ever regret getting any of these tattoos, but i'm thinking about which ones i desperately love, and which ones i merely like. and i'll definitely be getting more ideas gathered before i make a decision. but i particularly adore the lemony snicket one, so that's a definite one for me.