i've managed to be a wreck today.

woke up late for college, threw some clothes on and got in a cab. met luke and katherine at the wall, had a smoke, and then went to tutorial. had my HPV, arm is now numb. spent most of the day ripping my jeans further. fun times, amirite?

i want to start a 365 blog. or do something new. i want to find a way to be new.
i want to find a way to be clean.

but i got home and had some altercation with my mother. asked if she wanted dinner, made it. came out to find it untouched on the table. nearly threw it at her. ate, she came over and declared my vegetables undercooked. i'm like, they're vegetables you knob, i would they were raw but you like to steam the nutrients out of everything. she complains more, i sit there gnawing on a carrot stick. we sit and watch chinese soap operas. i cry. felt like an idiot. cleared the table and put the laundry on spin.

life has been generally mundane.
oh and luke poured a bottle of coke on my head today
what the frick

almost caught smoking. fun times.

but i just smashed that shit into a tin and put the fan on just in time. jeeez.
going to spend most of today reading foryoursatisfashion and parkandcube, obviously.
parkandcube's shoe bazaar is love. except the pair of boots i want and could actually afford is a 7, and i'm a 4-5.
i've been looking for boots for ages; i need to own at least a pair that i can wear; pumps and brogues are fine for now but it's going to get so cold..
lizares' sheer men's shirts are so beautiful - i'm too short and round to wear one, but hey. craving a rodarte jumper; would make one in it's style but i can't knit for shit. will probably find a poor imitation in a charity shop somewhere and wear it to death.

i'm watching 500 days of summer, eating runts, and comtemplating whether or not the wonderful dream i had last night means anything at all. i'm not sure i want it to, but then i do. it was one of the most beautiful dreams i've had in three years. and i want to explain and i want to say everything i'd like to but i know not to. because i don't want to break everything. because everything is fine as it is. and everything is just fine, and i know i'll fuck it up with my feelings. i'm trying not to think about him. but i always end up thinking about him and it all falls apart. but hey. it's cool. i'll get over him if i don't do anything, because everything always goes away if nothing happens. i'll just try to hold everything back and put it in a box somewhere and seal the box and put it in a dark corner.

instead of finding some kind of happiness with him, i'll continue to have completely empty sex that lacks anything but pure mechanics with some other guy. who, i of course wish was him. but anyway. i should remind myself to stop being such a girl about these things. i should attempt to have a more casual approach; and i do, but sometimes you meet some-one and awaaaay go your principles and your self-inflicted rules about what to do and what to say and you just end up miserable in a huddle of your own guilt and self-loathing.

i love sample sales.

reiss sample sale todayyyy :)
got this fluid men's jersey, £60 to £15, silky scarf thing for £15, and a £60 gold purse down to a tenner.







and dorothy perkins was having a tights sale so i went in there and blew more money XD blue, turquoise, green and purple.





george got 120 quid shoes down to 40, then to 25 :D
then we wandered around london, and happened upon a delightful blinese guy in h&m who i've realized i'm in love with, then bought a lint roller cuz i'm that cool. wandered about a little more, then decided i was going to watford to buy nerds and candy canes from this one sweetshop; but when i got there, there weren't any normal candy canes, and they only has nerds rope, so i bought the rope and some runts as well. and a gobstopper because i love those things :D

i spent way too much money today, but it was totally worth it. i got like, £170's worth of stuff for about £50. which makes me a happy bunny. and i need a new baggy cardigan; my mother seems to have taken her polo one back. when i'm an adult i'm going to live in sample sales. because i'm that cheap.

life is good :)
and i've just been asked if i want to have sex.
i lol'd

realizations.

i will never be as successful as i want to be.
i will never be as thin as i want to be.
i can eat half a chicken in about half an hour.
i love to destroy things.
i stay up late because i'm scared of my nightmares.
i have such a facade.
i follow too many fashion blogs.
i follow too many blogs, period.
i hope to be the girlfriend one day, not the random fuck.
i sometimes wish i was born ten years earlier.
i have breakdowns at freakishly regular intervals.
i have always wanted to fly planes.
i won't try hard drugs because i have such an addictive personality and i'm terrified of it.
i have irregular and dangerous eating habits and it doesn't bother me.
i like walking home in the morning in last night's clothes with no make-up on.
i wish i could rewind to where we met and start where we began.
i live in a constant fear of the chopstick killer.
i wish that i wasn't so easily overcome by paranoia.
i want to move out as soon as i can.
i miss hong kong more than i can say; i like england, but hong kong is still where my heart remains.
i want to become rich enough so that my mother doesn't have to work another day in her life.
i love my family so much sometimes it hurts.
i love torrential rain, snow and cold sun.
i want a room in my house for all my books.
i am made of good intentions.
i drink alone far too much.
i miss my father a lot.
i haven't had a nosebleed since that time i bled for an hour. maybe it ran out.
i think i've used up my allocation of tears on guys.
i like dancing alone in the rain.
i wish i could breakdance.
i'm glad that i'm alive.

today was average

had to wake up early for the first time in days. it wasn't so bad - i walked most of the way to college. failed a chem test in the morning because of stupid mistakes. again. fml.
i'm making studded tights :)

in smoke filled rooms of electric sound

reading old posts remind me of how i felt then, and i usually end up feeling the same again.

'and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.' nietzsche

i don't seem to know where i'm going anymore. and i feel like i'm drowning, to use one of those metaphors that everyone tosses around because nothing's original. i don't know what to say or how to feel about the several situations that surround my life. can't there be an off button of some kind i can install on the wall and can't i call you for help? you're breaking my heart with your silence, you know. i look at the letters on the letter and i sigh in disappointment yet again because i'm not good enough. for me, for you, for anyone.

sometimes i think i'd like to die young just so i could be remembered as what i could have been. i don't want to live long enough to fail and become just another smear of dirt on society's freshly painted bedroom walls. just the very idea of this is making me shake in the kitchen chair where i feverishly type away on these shiny black keys. i wish i could lose myself in anything that wasn't you or the things i used to do. but just as i collapse and retire into quiet anonymity i remember all the things you used to say and the way you walked away and i can finally breathe.

you must think i'm fucking stupid if i'm going to sit here and listen to you bullshit. most of you don't know how great your lives are. and i don't need no lecture on how i should be grateful for having a house and clean water - because i am. most of you will live content lives and do what you've always wanted. maybe you'll have kids and get married, maybe you'll start your own dance troupe, maybe you'll direct hollywood films, maybe you'll be a rockstar and snort cocaine off hot young things, maybe you'll teach biophysics; i don't know what you want to do in life.

you say i'm broken, i say i'm doing just fine in the separate parts of me. i don't need you to tell me i need to be fixed. i don't need your bullshit. don't pity me. the worst thing in the world you could do is pity me because that only makes me hate you more. hate me if you'd like. i'm sure a lot of you do. but don't waste your pity on me because all i'm going to do is spit venom right back at you.

and apparently there are better things in life than alcohol, but sometimes it'll make up for not having them.

just got in.

and i have had really a rather good night. i'm not mad drunk and i haven't regretted doing anything. it was one of the better birthdays.



from geisha girl to me just before i go to sleep. fun times. i'm not even too bad about going back to college on monday; i have a late start, and it's just chill. i think that as cheesy as it sounds, tonight reminded me that you don't have to go to great lengths to have fun. just smear some eyeliner on, pull on a kimono and go out and live your life. life is good right now, it really really is. and i can't even think of a bad day tomorrow. i'm just so happy. perhaps it's the whisky talking.